quote of the day

Be content with what you have, rejoice in the way things are. When you realize there is nothing lacking, the whole world belongs to you.

Lao Tzu

leap

I contemplated choosing a word for 2008. Like a theme. I spent about an hour one day, looking over a list of words trying to choose. I made a list of possibilities for words. None of them quite stuck. But lately, the word "leap" seems to be my reoccuring theme, so maybe this is my word.

I thought of "leap" when I posted a picture last week after I had a moment of doubting myself and my thinking about going to art school. And today I saw these and there it was again. LEAP.

just fine

One of the greatest pleasures in my life might sound strange. Anyone that knows me is well aware that the Cardo Funk class I go to Mondays, Tuesdays, and Saturdays is one of the things that keeps me going. Some days, like yesterday after dealing with my insurance company, I have to talk myself into going. I don't understand why this happens because I always feel 100% better after class.

It's not just the fact that I get an amazing workout, that the endorphins kick in, that I get to dance and not care about anything or anyone that worries me for an hour. In this class of 70-100 people, I have found heros and teachers and friends. I am inspired by the people I have met in class, and those I just see and don't know their names. We dance and laugh and sweat together, and sometimes hug and cry and pray. It's more than an aerobics class, it's kind of like church. For a time it was more church than I was getting anywhere else. It's funny, all the regulars have their little spot in class, like people have their favorite pews. Our teacher, Kym, is one of the most amazing people I have met in my lifetime. She manages to make a dance fitness class into something so much more than that. We are a community.

Yesterday I was feeling so frustrated and a little defeated by life. Some days you feel like you are battling life instead of living it. I left work, and literally had a hard time leaving the building and getting to my car without crying. But I made it to class, trusting that I would leave different than I arrived. I had an interesting conversation with one of the women whose little "spot" in class is next to mine. She mentioned that there had been this moment in class on Saturday. One of the women in our class, Jaquitta, was diagnosed with breast cancer last year and has been going through chemo and radiation. She took off her ball cap during class to reveal her beautiful head of hair that is growing back slowly. People surrounded her, hugged her, celebrated that moment with her. Laughter through tears. In Cardio Funk aerobics. The woman next to me said, "It puts everything in perspective, doesn't it?"

It does. I don't feel that it puts it in perspective because Jaquitta has cancer and I don't, and that makes me grateful that I don't have cancer. Obvioulsy, I am grateful for that, but it is more than that. As Jaquitta has dealt with and accepted the disease, and battled and risen above, she has been so open and honest about everything that has come with that struggle. What I have learned from her is to love and to live life. She writes a blog on the website for the TV station where she is an anchor, and she always signs, "love, live life." Today is today. Live today. Love what is good today. Love that you can get through whatever it is that you must face.

another reason why my job sucks

It is no secret that I loathe, and I mean loathe in every sense that one can loathe, my job. It is mindless, slow, boring, the people are uninteresting and unfunny, and the office supplies aren't even that great. I have run out of things to look up on the internet, my mind is full of useless facts, and I have grown achingly tired of celebrity gossip. Yes, me, the celebrity gossip queen. I don't care anymore what Britney did or what Lindsay Lohan is smoking. I want some real work to do, and I don't want it to be outside of my 9 to 5 anymore. I am doing everything that I can at the moment to move beyond it, but between applying for grad school and every other job I can possibly find that would replace it, it is a painfully slow process.

When I left my old firm and came, due to circumstances beyond my control, I got a little bit of a raise. Unfortunately, it was the kind of raise that you don't see in your paycheck at all. One of the saving graces of work has been that at the very least, my insurance was decent, and I have the kind of job where I have money taken out of my paycheck each month which I can use pre-tax for medical expenses. This is wonderful for me, considering I don't make that much money, and I have to go to the doctor more than most for monitoring of medication I take for panic attacks. Oh, yeah, and p.s., that doctor's co-pay is a whole hell of a lot more than the $20 I pay everywhere else.

Here is why I hate my job today. Because I believe I was not properly made aware of protocol for insurance re-election at the beginning of the year, I missed open enrollment to have my flexible medical spending account. I realized this when I went to get a prescription refilled, they wanted $140.00 for it, and my benefits card wouldn't work.

I explained all of this to our benefits administrator, who I hope wakes up in the middle of the night with a sinking, hollow feeling of guilt for her lack of compassion or flexibility in assisting me with this issue. She, in addition to the contact I spoke with at the insurance company, couldn't help me in the slightest. Because it is three weeks into the year. And I didn't know any better.

I'm not an idiot. I am also a human being, and I deserve to have my medical needs met without undue financial strain. No one deserves to feel like they are going to be denied care, or medication, or that they will have to choose between groceries and medecine that is necessary for a healthy and happy quality of life.

This is another reason why I hate my job. And why something has to change in this country.

i heart el bar

It's so hard to catch up with people these days. It seems like it wasn't always such a challenge. Saturday night I finally get a chance to go out with one of my favorite people, Tamara, who I started calling "Tamstown" a few years ago and have a hard time calling her anything else. Somehow we started out in the Highlands, at Dark Horse. It was freakishly packed and I had forgotten what a huge meat market it is on the weekends. So many dudes, way more guys than girls, but not the kind of guys you really want to talk to, screaming girls taking shots, barely enough room to stand and yell at your friend that is right next to you in hopes of sort of communicating. People pressing up against you to get past, girls giving you the evil eye thinking for some reason you're scoping out whatever guy they're trying to scam on. I think at one point I liked this kind of scene? But it's been a while. So we rallied the troops, and made our way to my new favorite place for late night, El Bar.

El Bar is a tiny hole in the wall underneath El Azteca on Ponce de Leon, and you wouldn't even know it was there unless someone told you. It's dead before midnight, but after that, it fills up with a crowd that is somewhat racially diverse, about as much as you're going to get in Atlanta, and hipster-ish, but not annoyingly so. The DJ's always play a great music, from The Roots to Michael Jackson to Nirvana to Eve and everything in between. Everyone dances. Tony said, "I have never seen so many white people dance to hip hop." There is always great people watching. Someone cleared the dance floor this Saturday break dancing. Not the best break dancing I've ever seen, but then again, I can't remember the last time I saw break dancing.

Needless to say, I heart El Bar.

an 80 year old woman clipping coupons

Sometimes I wonder how many times I need the Universe to say "yes" to me before I really, truly believe in myself and where I need to go. I hear it, and then I forget it. I believe, and then I doubt.

I was always the kid that needed to touch the stove to know that it was hot. No one could tell me how to, or what to, or when to, and I had to fall and pick myself up to learn anything. But growing up, testing boundaries happened within the safe bubble of school and parents. As much as I pushed and pulled and stumbled, I was never going to be far from a cushion. And so I believed in myself, in the world, in God, in my family, in friends, I did not doubt deep down that the fabric I existed in was goodness and love. This allowed me to hear the yes, and say yes, to just leap because I didn't worry as much where I would fall.

I couldn't put my finger on one experience that unwrapped that fabric. Everyone experiences pain and disappointment, I know I am not unique in this sense. What I sense has changed in me is that I hesitate to leap, even when I hear the Universe say "yes, yes, yes", because I am terrified of hitting the ground. Maybe because I've felt it before, because I've touched the stove a few too many times and I know how hot it is, because I know that the whole world isn't goodness and love. Maybe because I worry if I will be able to pick myself up again.

I am desperate to change my everyday existence, and I do not use the word "desperate" flippantly. I have spent a long time looking and searching for what it is that I am put here to do, where I am suppsed to go and do and be. I am finally feeling like I am finding the right path, and it happens to be leading me to apply to a master's program in Arts Administration. This terrifies me. It is not a "safe" career choice. There is no definite "path". And who in their right mind would go to art school when clearly our economy is in the crapper? Wouldn't it be prudent to pick a nice, stable job? Aren't the arts the first thing to go? I realize this is sort of irrational, but I'm being honest. I think about these things.

I say to my friend, Diana, "Is it insane for me to worry that as soon as I go back to school, all of this will turn into the next Great Depression?"

Lovingly, she says, "What are you, an 80-year old woman clipping coupons? Are you going to start telling war stories? Get over it. Follow your dream. Do something new."

As soon as she says this, my phone rings. It's the school. They want to confirm that I'm going to attend the prospective students day next week. I say yes. I hear yes. And I need to not forget it.

snow day

We had a real, live snow day in Atlanta. Which is a little odd considering it was in the 70's last week. But global warming aside, I had a lovely snow day. Here are some pictures taken around Oakhurst/Decatur of the first real snow I think I've seen since we had that crazy ice storm three years ago. This is my church....
Tony and I went to see a burlesque show at Smith's Old Bar on Friday night, and I told him while we were out that it was supposed to snow around midnight. Of course, when we left at midnight, no snow at all. We went to another bar, and left around 2:00 AM. Still no snow. But Saturday morning, SNOW! Now, I didn't spend a lot of time actually out in the snow, but it just sort of gives you the feeling that you absolutely do not have to leave the house, and everyone has permission to get cozy and shut themselves off from the outside world. Saturdays, I usually get up early, run errands, go to my Cardio Funk class at the Y. But this Saturday I slept in, made brunch, Tony and I played Guitar Hero (which I am vastly superior at, at least compared to him...granted, this is the only video game I would ever be able to say that about), and watched a movie. I had plans to go see Sharon Jones at The Variety that night, but it was so cozy inside, I stayed in some more.

i'm late for a jean folding seminar, let's locomote

So, this morning I had this big meeting at a radio station to talk about partnering on a project I'm working on...and it.was.awesome. Seriously. I was actually really nervous, because I listen to these people on the radio every morning, so first off, it's kind of weird to sit in a room with someone you sort of drive to work with every day. But I'm not a really starry eyed person in general, so it wasn't really that. It was more like the realization that these relationships could mean something really important for the project, and for my life. Beyond that....walking into the office....I could not stop thinking about the movie Reality Bites. You know when Lelaina meets Michael, who works and the MTV-like place called "In Your Face"? The office is all shiny and metallic, there are video screens and music and it's all high-techy and flashy. That was pretty much it. Like the vibe is totally, p.s. you might not be cool enough to be here. Funny enough, as we were getting the tour of the place after the meeting, one of the girls told us that the entry way was acctually designed to sort of intimidate you. So, there you have it. Shiny, metallic, in your face intimidation.

Anyways, Reality Bites, oh how I love thee...Vicky Miner, how I sympathize with your tragic, loveless relationships, your meaningless underemployment, and your coping through sarcasm. Lelaina Pierce, how I identify with your Diet Coke addiction, chain smoking in times of stress, your grand visions for yourself and changing the world, and your pixie haircut. I had that haircut. And Troy Dyer, I actually had to study your intellectual cynicism in my 20th Century Religion class in college. Honestly, we watched this movie and had to write a paper on it.

Vickie Miner: You don't understand, every day, all day, it's all that I think about, OK? Every time I sneeze, it's like I'm four sneezes away from the hospice. And it's like it's not even happening to me, it's like I'm watching it on some crappy show like Melrose Place or some shit right, and I'm the new character, I'm the HIV AIDS character and I live in the building and I teach everybody that 'It's OK to be near me, it's OK to talk to me.' And then I die. And there's everybody at my funeral wearing halter tops or chokers or some shit like that.
Charlane McGregor: Why don't you get a job at the Burgerrama? They'll hire you! My Lord, I saw on the TV, they had this little retarded boy working the register.
Lelaina: Because I'm not retarded, Mom. I was the Valedictorian of my University!
Wes McGregor: Well you dont have to put that on your application.

Troy Dyer: There's no point to any of this. It's all just a... a random lottery of meaningless tragedy and a series of near escapes. So I take pleasure in the details. You know... a quarter-pounder with cheese, those are good, the sky about ten minutes before it starts to rain, the moment where your laughter become a cackle... and I, I sit back and I smoke my Camel Straights and I ride my own melt.

perhaps there will be stardust

I had some disappointing news this week that I will not be able to get the performance rights for the play that I wanted to produce in March. So, it was back to square one, time to get creative and do some research to find another script that would work for a fundraiser for Katrina survivors for the V to the Tenth event in New Orleans in April for V-Day. I found this play called Stardust and Empty Wagons: Stories from the Katrina Diaspora, a monologue based play taken from interviews with Katrina survivors that was developed at a theater called Brava in San Francisco. So, I got in touch with the author/director to see if the rights were available. We talked yesterday, and things seem to be moving forward. I got the script to review, we're going to try to work out royalties and such, and hopefully it will come to be...

In other news...I will be getting an award with kind of a funny name - the Vagina Warrior award from the lovely V-Day ladies at Georgia State University. The amazing and talented Katie Graham will be also be receiving that award. I suppose you selectively put that on your resume. Do I email my grandpa and tell him I'm getting the Vagina Warrior award? I think he might go into cardiac arrest.

I also have been working on a website for V-Day Atlanta...check it out.
http://www.vdayatlanta.org

things that are making me happy today

1. A foundation that wants to make my favorite project its #1 priority...wowza.
2. I'm actually pretty excited that I will be locked in a church with a gaggle of middle schoolers from 7 tonight until 9 tomorrow morning. Ask me if I still feel that way at 2 am.
3. I just made a pretty kick ass treasure hunt for them to do tonight...if I do say so myself.
4. It is, in fact, the weekend starting at 5 PM.
5. I am hopefully going to have time to go on a run tonight before 7 PM.
6. I made a delicious pizza last night and got to watch Grey's Anatomy with Laura.
7. I'm making progress with The Prisoner of Azkaban. Oh, that Sirius Black.
8. 3 weeks until Jamaica, Mexico, and sitting in the middle of the ocean doing nothing.

project runway tonight - team christian

It's a new episode of Project Runway tonight and I have to say... I'm Team Christian all the way. He is bitchy, queenie, self-righteous, hyper critical of others, and wears girls jeans and a some sort of mohawk mullet. But I love him and his swishy self. He's got more personality and talent than the rest of them combined. My picks for the final 3? Jillian, Romi, Christian. I was anti Jillian and her high-waisted shorts in the first couple of episodes, but I came around after the group challenge where she did the seventies inspired clothes with Romi and that other guy, the straight one (Kevin?). I think she's the girl that you hate at first because she's quiet and you think that she's bitchy, but really she's just kind of shy and unassuming. I'm exciting for a new challenge and a new episode! Make it work, bitches! I wish Tim Gunn would adopt me.

and you may ask yourself...who turned on a hose in the kitchen?

I had a lovely dinner on Thursday night with some of my dearest friends from the firm where I used to work. We had lots of tapas, and lots of wine, and I was grateful I only had to go a few blocks to my next destination. Cute Tony and I met up after dinner; he had been sick for several days, so I hadn't seen him since before New Year's. We went to see my very talented neighbor Troy play in a Fleetwood Mac cover show, which sounded painful, but was actually quite entertaining. Being that he had been sick, Cute Tony was being very responsible and refused to kiss me on the mouth. Being that he is Cute, I protested, and reasoned that if he had a cocktail, it would be like antiseptic, and I would be in the clear. The bottle of wine at dinner (ok, maybe I drank a bottle by myself), and three or four vodka sodas later, we made it home. When I woke up the next morning, I made an earnest effort to get to work, thinking a glass of water and maybe some McDonald's breakfast would cure what I was convinced was a nasty hangover. I tried the McDonald's closest to my house first, which I'm pretty sure is the slowest, most fucked up McDonald's on the planet. Of course the drive through lane is winding all around the building, so I suck it up and drag myself out of the car and inside. I am positive at this point that in mere moments I will have hash browns and this will cure how terrible I feel. The woman behind the counter announces, "If ya'll are trying to pay with a card, we can't do nothin' for you." Does she not understand that I have needs? I get sort of panicky. What am I going to do? I have to get to work, there is no way I'm going to make it though the day without some sort of grease on my stomach. Lightbulb...there is another McDonald's about a mile away. I drive there, and it is in the drive through lane, which seems to be taking an eternity despite the fact that I'm the only one in it, that I realize there is no possible way I am (a) going to be able to keep my wits about me to drive to work, and (b) even sit at my desk for 8 hours. I call my secretary from said drive through. I call my mom. I barely make it the 1.5 miles back home and on the couch, shoes and work clothes still on. I cannot move. I remain there for about...um...the next four days or so. Clearly, not a hangover. And alcohol does not work as an antibacterial.

On day four of the flu, I'm taking what I hope will be my final day off from work. It's around 9:00 am, I'm on the couch, watching Capote, enjoying that it's quiet and I'm not quite as nauseous as I have been. All of a sudden, it sounds like someone is hosing down my kitchen. I get up, and literally, there is a giant spray of water erupting from under the kitchen sink, spraying everywhere, quickly flooding the floor. I have no choice but to dive in, searching for the valve that does not exist under the sink, finally finding a way to turn the water off in the water heater closet. I'm soaking wet and standing in at least an inch of water. Over the next few hours, the handyman came, the plumping got fixed, I managed to clean up the water and make it back onto the couch. Not the most pleasant way to spend a morning!

pretty on the outside...i love new york 2

I have just found my new true love. Pretty on the Outside does amazing sketches of terrible reality television. Perhaps I have found a new pastime. I love these of my dear, sweet New York and her mother, Sister Patterson. I don't know how I am going to survive without I Love New York 2. I'm still devastated by her choice of Tailor Made over Buddha. I was Team Punk all the way. Oh, what will I do with my time until season 3? How will I kill brain cells? I do have love for you, New York.

i know christmas is over but...

I couldn't help but share this. One of my family's traditions, that we sadly forgot to observe this year, is watching Pee Wee Herman's Christmas special from 1980-something. I don't care that Pee Wee masturbated in public. Whatever, we're all human. This was quite possibly one of the most imaginative television shows ever. This is the opening sequence. If this doesn't fill you with Christmas spirit, I don't know what will.

Click Here for Pee Wee's Christmas on YouTube

What Santa (and others) brought me for Christmas:

A little sewing machine

Common CD - Electric Circus

Mary J Blige download that I haven't downloaded yet

Tights

Boots

Cute white hat

A hand me down cuisinart grill/panini maker/griddle thing

An easel - my favorite

Harry Potter book

Pink crochet hat

Pink tank top

Pink lavendar warming pillow thing

Pink socks (what's up with the pink??)

Book about wacky girls

Movie gift card

Toothbrush, toothepaste, lotion (from mom, of course)

quote of the day

In three words I can sum up
everything I've learned about life:
it goes on.

-Robert Frost