lately i've been waking out of urgency

"Violent dreams, every night,
Lately I've been waking out of urgency
Something I said, something I did
Is bringing on this violent emergency
One black day in ghostly white
For just another sleepless night"
-Jump Little Children

I was a complete insomniac for a while. I couldn't get to sleep, and when I finally did, I would wake up every two or three hours. Sleep at 1:00. Awake at 3:00...4:00...5:30...now worried that I will actually fall asleep and miss my alarm...and finally decide to just get up. This was a total shock to me because I have always been the girl who can fall asleep anywhere, anytime. Get me somewhat comfortable and I will start to nod off. But for months I couldn't sleep. I went through a period with my doctor trying out different sleep aids and discovered Ambien. Sweet, sweet Ambien. You sleep the sleep of angels with Ambien - a friend described the first moments of waking up as feeling like everything is right with the world, like you are floating in a warm bath, like you're wrapped in a cloud. Sounds good, right? Unfortunately for these reasons, most people like Ambien too much and never want to stop taking it (understandably so), and because my sleep deprivation seemed to be more than temporary, I had to end that love affair. She put me on a different drug that is normally prescribed for people with migraines, but that makes you drowsy, and after a while my sleep returned to normal without any help at all.

It's been months, maybe a year, since I've had trouble sleeping, for the most part, until this week. I had a cold, or allergies, or the flu, or something this weekend, and spent most of Sunday on the couch watching bad TV. Laura brought me cold medecine, and I took some theraflu before bed. I slept fitfully in every sense of the word, tossing and turning, and when I finally fell asleep I had the most terrible dream. It was a dream so awful I haven't spoken a word of it to anyone, and I don't know if I will. It was violent and personal and entirely disturbing, so much so that I woke myself up crying. It was 5:00 AM. I got out of bed, washed my face, drank some water, tried to convince myself that it didn't really happen. But it was one of those dreams that is so vivid, you think it's real. I tried to go back to sleep, but every time I closed my eyes, the dream replayed.

I am a believer that your dreams are an expression of what your brain is still chewing on. Sometimes the message is clear, and sometimes it seems like nothing you dream makes sense. I know this dream directly relates to some anger I am holding on to, and I know that there are a lot of things in my life that are transitional at the moment, so my anxiety levels are probably higher than I think they are. If I can take anything away from the dream other than fear, I think I should heed the message that I need to be cared for, and that probably needs to come from myself. Maybe that means slowing down, saying no, staying home, being intentional with my time and the things, people, and messages that feed me. Maybe I need to find a way to get some of the anger out.

The hard part is when you slow down and listen, and you don't necessarily like what you hear inside yourself. I like to believe that I am an island to myself, self-sufficient, without chinks in my armor. Of course, I am not. I am stronger than I thought myself to be, I've survived and endured situations that I didn't expect I would be able to. But, like everyone else, as much as I am strong, sometimes I'm flawed and weak, I get sad and angry, lonely and scared. That is just the human condition, it's the same road that we all walk. What I cannot figure out is why we so often pretend that we're the only ones there?

My challenge now is to pay attention to whatever it is that needs to be recognized so I can rest again. I've been afraid of sleeping because I don't want to have the same dreams again. All I can do is pay attention.

"One more day
I'm always taking the dive
All it takes is all I can give
All my waking hours just to see you live
Through this sleepless night"