-Talib Kweli, Just to Get By
So, I've been gone for a while. No posts since...I don't know? Since I was a little obsessed with Sweet Valley High? Since I desired to be more like Jessica Wakefield?
Gentle readers, let me give you a bit of an update on the events of my life over the past six weeks or so...
Shortly after I spent the better part of a work day researching Sweet Valley, I was informed that I was no longer employed due to the fact that my position was not profitable. Was this a surprise? Not really. Did I loathe every moment of working there? Abso-fucking-lutely. There was nothing redeeming about that job except that I was paid and I had health insurance. Was I terrified, shell shocked, anxiety ridden? Without a doubt. I had spent 8 months prior to receiving my pink slip (which was not, in fact, pink) applying for jobs. I applied to at least 40 or 50 jobs, and had three interviews, two for the same job. I had also applied and been accepted to graduate school, but because I was almost as terrified of student loans and uprooting my life as I was of unemployment, I had let a deadline to pay my matriculation fee pass. To put it mildly, I felt fucked. Like I was Atreyu and the Nothing had chased me into the Swamp of Sadness.
Sometimes life kicks you in the ass, and that kick knocks you down and hurts like a bitch. And then you realize your fall has pushed you in a new direction. Yes, I spent a few days crying and drinking excessively. But once I found myself buying two twelve packs of Budweiser Select at the same time, "just in case", I had a reality check and moved on. I started sitting with myself, writing in my journal, checking in a few times each day, getting out of the house and going to coffee shops to send out my resume over and over again. And I paid my matriculation fee and enrolled in school. It was kind of weird, being out in the world in the middle of the day in the middle of the week, like when you left school early for a doctor's appointment or, if you were so inclined, skipped class.
The next hurdle was staying afloat financially and paying for my medication until I could find a job again. The trick was also that I needed full time work until September when school started, and then part time work after then, and both needed to pay enough for me to get by. My biggest challenge was to daily renew my trust that the Universe would always care for me, and that my dreams and visions were not given to me to be crushed. What I found in the in between time was not the Nothing. I was lifted out of sadness. It was rest, renewal, freedom, new life, exploration, faith, humility, and above all, grace. In the moments when I didn't know how I would make it through, what I needed would appear out of nowhere. Odd jobs or gifts here and there, a way out of no way.
Humbleness. This is one of the greatest things I had to learn. Accepting the kindness and generosity of friends and family when I needed it. I'm not very good at asking for help, but I had to. And one of the things I had to do was go to the Department of Labor and file for unemployment benefits. That was really a surreal experience, but it honestly wasn't that bad. And the next day I got a call from the job I really wanted, and they offered me the position. It was part time, which I didn't know how I would work out until classes started and my loans kicked in, but another miracle occured - they asked if I would work full time until then. I never had to draw unemployment. I have no idea how these things have all happened. I guess I don't have to.
For a while, everything seemed like shit pie. But everything has transformed. I'm not dragging myself out of bed every day to walk into a building I hate, to a job with people I can't relate to and nothing to do, where I loathe every moment. I don't cry on the way to my car after work, dreading returning the next day. I don't carry that burden anymore. I actually like getting up in the morning. I like the people I work with. Hell, I actually TALK to them. My gifts are finally being used. It is like the world just opened up. For that I am grateful.
"Look at the sky to survive, people try to get by, fightin force, slice of the pie, tryin to eat and be high. How you know you really alive if you don't reach for the sky? How your eyes keep on the prize...What you seek and you'll find..."
-Talib Kweli, Just to Get By
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